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Rosiebby
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Name: Rose Anna
Gender: Female
Interests: Anything artistic or creative. Reading. Baking/cooking.
Occupation: Sales Associate, Forever 21
Message: message me
Member Since:
7/7/2009
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| To tumblr. I know I sold out, but I'll probably still post my most intimate details here and keep tumblr for just thoughts.
Ladybugs in Spring | | |
| I've finally hit my limits.
I wish the world could stop and speak
the secrets of it's wonders.
To finally know and have control,
of all these things I've pondered.
I'm stuck on land but wish to be
my own beneath the sea.
Or possibly (if only) be high up in the sky,
to be untouched and freely fly without a single limit.
Why won't the world please speak to me,
while I beg and cry to thee.
Dear mother earth you know better than us both,
what it takes to be wild and free.
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| Since the last time I've posted, an array of things both good and bad have happened:
- Hooked up with Gary
- Gotten a speeding ticket
- Had Eric profess his love to me
- Attempted having sex
- Gone down to Rowan to visit Eric
- Heard Eric panic on the phone
- Gotten sick with some sort of flu
- Stressed over work
- Gotten wasted
- Realized I have no one
There comes a time in everyone's life when you stop and reevaluate everything up until that point. I've had many of those, and it seems like I'll probably have many more the rest of my life. This definitely isn't being posted on Facebook, because for other's to see this would ruin me.
First, I am a complete heartless bitch. Here I am, unknowingly stringing Eric by his own nuts while I run around having my fun and enjoying myself. I don't know what to do. I remember right before I started college I wished he would just ask me back out. But how was I to know he even had the same feelings? Apparently since we broke up in May he's fallen in love with me so much that he wants to be with me again. Meanwhile I'm running around enjoying my time flirting and being around other guys. Now when I say enjoy, I just mean enjoy. The only time I've hooked up so far was Gary, and even then it meant nothing. It all means nothing. I just want to experience all these new guys after having stared at the same guys for four years of my life. In my head, this logic seems innocent enough but now I have all my suite mates telling me to just date Eric. I've had enough of it. I want him. I love him. But I'm feeling pressured by their words and how they look at me. They're making me feel like I'm doing this on purpose to hurt him. And then I feel pressured by Eric because he keeps telling me I'm hurting him (he even told Gary that) and it makes me just feel worse. Regardless of it all, I won't fall into their pressure. I just want to figure it out on my own because if I don't and I date him THINKING that it was all my decision things could end up being bad again. I don't want that. I want to be with him, and I want it to be wonderful and last as long as it can. I also want to know that I've experienced what's out there and Eric is the best there is. I just need to be completely sure. But since the time I've talked to him about where I want this relationship to go and after reading his letter numerous times, I might have changed my mind. I told him I wanted to wait till the summer, but I might even want him back this winter break. I don't know. I want to sort out these feelings and I just want everyone to leave me alone about it.
You know what just sucks so bad though - the real reason that I feel so torn up about it? When we broke up, we did it with the intention of being free for college. He was the one who never wanted to regret anything and the one who never wanted a serious relationship. What happened now? Why am I the one breaking his heart like he did to me? Unfortunately this time, I have more emotions than he did back then and it's killing me too. I love him, I really do fucking love him but why did we switch roles? I want him to be a little bit more like before - a little less clingy. And at the same time I don't because I love having him there, needing me and missing me. What can I even do? I can't tell him some of the things I'm feeling because I don't even know how I really feel about them.
Second, I have no friends. By now my room mates have seen my true nature. My mood swings and bitchy attitude. I'm starting to hate it here. I love the independence and being away in my own place but I hate how I'm reminded how I'm an outcast. I'm weird, I'm loud, I make no sense, I'm awkward, I can't say the right things and I know they all think I'm annoying. I hate how I can never tell anyone. Why is it so embarrassing? Maybe because the person would judge me if they realized all my faults. Why can't I be pretty? Or have a good personality? I want charm, I want success and the smarts. It could be that I'm getting my period but this past week I've just been wallowing in my own self pity. I know I'm not loved and I know that my friendship with these people is indispensable. Am I really so different that I can't find anyone to understand me? I'm not even being my full self around them. I feel like whenever I try, it's just worse for me rather than liberating. And on top of that, I have no friends to go back to. I mean close friends. They all just abandoned me.. apparently they found me indispensable too.
I don't know what I want anymore. All my happy thoughts of loving life and being happy are gone and I want them back. I wanna feel like I belong somewhere. I want someone to cry to besides my pillow. I want to feel alive and I don't know how. I wish I could just scream out and beg for someone to help me. I hate the way I am and it's not fair. Not even all the luck in the world can make me happy... | | |
| Oh and as for the job, I did get it. Today I actually went to pick up my working papers and on Tuesday I have a shoot and have to take pictures of a college event. It should be fun but I'm also a little nervous. What if I don't get the right pictures or my boss doesn't like them? I'll just have to try my best.
And how about my limit? Well as you read I went to a party just last night and my maximum number was 2 beers. Very well done I must say. I'll probably just do that more often because just two was enough to open me up and make me giggly. I guess I never realized my tipsy limit because I'm too busy chugging and getting drunk.
How stupid of me. | | |
| In my first year seminar class there's a portion of homework called journals. For my class though, the Peers (like teaching assistants) wanted us to send our journals to them by e-mail since it makes it easier for them to read. Well since this is also like my personal journal, I thought it would make sense for me to post here too -
Journal entry #1
September 11, 2009
Last night must have been thee most annoying/interesting night since I got here at Ramapo. Most of the time you see guys walking around helping their girlfriend's keep their footing when they're too drunk - now picture two girls helping a guy keep his footing. In fact picture it at 1 o'clock in the morning , while it was drizzling and sticky out, on the way back to Pine from the CPA's. Now this friend of mine, is usually drunk every night and he'd be able to walk around fine. The problem this time? He tried a new Vodka that was 40% and chugged it from a water bottle. It's a little hard to live down once you see your friend do that but it's also harder to try and snatch a bottle from a desperate boy.
I can't really figure out why he's so desperate. There's nothing about him that comes off as depression and even when he's drunk he never brings up that he wishes to cause himself harm or that he hates his life. In fact, he's mostly laughing and giggling. I was desperate when I first came here just because I like the feeling of being loopy - as crazy as that sounds. But now it's the second week and I've already toned down A LOT. Probably because my best friend (ex boyfriend who I'm still close with actually) asked me to be careful when I go out. Well there's that and also the fact that I don't want to be walking around campus and have people know me as "that drunk girl from last night's party."
(There's always a limit to how much you can't care about what people say about you. Especially if it deals with bad impressions. If you are a good person and you are a good student, why wouldn't you want people to think the best of you?)
Back on topic - why do some people do the things they do? Why do they act the way they act? That's one of my reasons why I want to be a psychiatrist, to find out about the brain works and how it can do these things to people that they don't even realize. Like alcoholism or depression. Regardless, I just want to deal with the depression aspect. But it really just makes you wonder, what is it that makes a person so desperate for the alcoholic freedom of mind. I wish I could answer that question - Lord knows most of us here in college could benefit from an answer like that.
Rose Anna | | |
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